the constant chatter of womens voices
clickerty clack of metallic noises
knit one, purl one, cast it off
the hubbub broken by a gentle cough
“Now listen up ladies, I’ve summat to say”
“I’ve been having’ it off, playing away”
“I was ‘aving these urges, some tingling downstairs”
“felt like a new women, caught unawares”
“Bloody hell Vera yer mucky old cow”
“tell us about it and tell us now”
“I will in a minute, but stop with the clicking”
“close your mouths and put down the knitting”
I needed a change from ‘im indoors
‘cos he gets into bed, he farts then he snores
he then rolls over and steals all the covers
more of a beached whale than a red hot lover
there’s no slap anymore and definitely no tickle
and his eyes have lost that cheeky twinkle
so I picked up this fella, a fella called Brian
we met at the bingo and planned a sex riot
I invited him over to service me
I’d been to Ann Summers on a spending spree"
"I’d got some things I wanted to try out
To make me orgasm and scream and shout"
"So I got some gadgets and lotions and potions
Ibuprofen gel for my hips, painfree love motion”
And these little blue pills that made him erect
after some fumbling until they took effect.
Poor Brian tensed up as something caught his eye
a giant butt plug, I whispered "try it for size"
But Brian's wasn’t happy and he couldn’t say no,
Besides the viagra had kicked in so he gave it a go
My arthritic wrist stuffed it right up his crack
As a result of the surprise he had an asthma attack
The poor bugger keeled over face up on the bed
He gasped for breath, his face was all red
Now, I mistook this for the throes of passion
and I sat astride him, his face was all ashen
He grabbed an inhaler from in his pocket
A couple of deep breaths as he inhaled from it
but Brian didn't panic as he cleared his lungs out
"Here take this dildo" I started to shout
It's twice as big as his, which came as a shock
He needed both hands to grasp this rubbery cock
"Now come here my lover, give it to me now"
I whispered to him as he wiped sweat from his brow
He remembered some moves from back in the day
His artificial hip locked and there was a delay
From this point on my luck turned South
As his bottom denture, slipped from his mouth
And then it lands with a slobbery slap
Right in the middle of my naked lap
He picked them up, popped them back in
Some grey pubic hair littered his cheesy grin
At this point I looked down and saw his cock jiggle
I completely lost it and then started to giggle
then laughed out loud until my sides ached
I then realised I had made a mistake
It wasn’t Brian I wanted just a bit more spice
A bit more excitement back in my life
An occasional fumble and a bit of a cuddle
naked wrinkly skin in a bedtime snuggle
and a bit of love at the end of the day 
and not from Brian with pubes fifty shades of grey